Caught in Desperate Situation
This is a follow on to earlier posts.
2006 is a bit of a blur now. I wanted to get away from the situation I was in with my brother. He has his own issues shall we say.
To go back a bit – I had already brought up with my mother that he was hiding vodka bottles. They were empty ones. I was hoping my mum would confront him about it and something might be done.
That never happened – I mean – nothing ever was done about it – nothing ever does get done so why should I be surprised? Mum was anxious and panicky for a long time. She has an addiction to Lorazepam. Over 30 years now. She
was afraid to seek counselling.
Hopefully my brother will get help and support for his issues but I cannot help him now, I wished at times that I could, but that was just wishful thinking.
Too much water has flowed under the bridge and he got angry with me when I tried in a small way to help.
Alcohol just made him really nasty.
I remember being on the phone to a friend and him calling insults at me.
My brother was accustomed to getting his own way and I think it may be possible that he enjoys the sense of power he has over his family.
My son and I lived in this home which was a home fraught with tensions.
My brother was becoming more and more intolerable to live with and many people from outside of the family (I mean the house) were not aware of what was going on.
I made friends with a lady who was in a wheelchair because of problems with her feet. After she had left our home – my brother mocked me and said I could only make friends with disabled people.
He used my mental illness as a way of threatening me and keeping me in my place.
By the time of 2006 I had left my support group and also I wasn’t going to church.
Now I was at times desperate to have a boyfriend. I was in my mid thirties when I felt strong enough to “be on the look out” so to speak. Now, in the present time I reject the idea of having a partner, but then I was more open to the possibilites. In 2006, however, I reached my 40th birthday. But still, I knew it wasn’t impossible to meet someone.
My brother didn’t kick off all the time.
I have made attempts to move on. When I left the support group I looked for other ways of getting support. I looked
for support groups in my hometown. I was not successful I think for a number of reasons which I am not going to explore in this particular blog.
What am I learning from this blog right now?
I cannot change family members – if they are going to change it is up to them.
I can change myself if I am up to the challenge.
I cannot rely on other people to “fix my life” for me.
I cannot alway make sense of everything that has gone before, or indeed make sense of things which happen now.
The burdens I carry belong to me.
Posted on November 2, 2013, in domestic abuse and its repercussions and tagged addictions, alcohol and abuse, blogging helps, environment not changing, fear and loathing oneself, Lorazepam. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.