Tuesday, 31st January, 2011
I have got to look at the positives! So – I shall start with this morning! I got up at 6.00a.m. The cat miaowed outside my bedroom door as I opened it. We walked down stairs. I had to fast since about 9pm last night and could only have water. No coffee, no tea. I fed the cat and got a glass of water and went into the living room. I was pottering about when the door opened and Chris my son, surprised me! I thought it was Mica my black and white cat!
The Broadband stuff had arrived so we started setting it up. There’s a blue light in the middle that wasn’t lit up so I said “Let’s phone the technical support”. We argued over who was going to ring technical support and it turned out that they had to speak to me afterall! The tech lady said the broadband wouldn’t be connected possibly until 12 midnight! Gutted!
Still – hungry I was and getting a headache – probably with not having eaten I would say. I asked Chris to come with me to my bloodtests appointment. He wasn’t really wanting to go and went all tierd and limp on the settee lol! I said “Come on, it won’t take long”. He was super company for me! I much prefer going places with somebody.. And it wasn’t too long a wait. We went to the new “Shiny” hospital in Garston that’s only just been built. The phlebotomist (apologies if this is spelt wrong) instructed me into how to hold my arm(straight) and with my fist clenched. She put on the tournisquet aroung my upper arm and I turned away. I find its best not to look when blood is being taken. It turned out that it didn’t hurt one little bit – just a tiny scratch that’s all. I was having liver function, cholestorol, blood sugars.
We had some other things to do then we got the bus.
Chris started a new course in Sport and Fitness at college yesterday so this is another positive for us!
Its part-time so he can have some time to fill. Chris is confident that his goal is to be a Fitness Instructer. He is determined to put on more weight and build up his bodu and muscles. Chris loses weight easily and has difficulty keeping the weight on. (I know!).
So far…..the positives are that I got my bloodtest done just after 11a.m. Chris came with me to the hospital which was a great help to me and other stuff got done which was helpful.
So that is the morning done, Early afternoon.
Later on – not so good!
I walked into the g.p. and got cross about my bloodtests. I said I was having a “mental crisis”. I said it was now a whole week since I told my Care co-ordinator that I was in “crisis”. I mainly got cross because I am worried about getting an appointment wth the psychiatrist. Community mental health teams get together once a week to discuss patients in their care. My team get together on a Wednesday after lunch around 1.30pm. My care- co-ordinator saw me last Tuesday 24th January and said he would discuss my case with Dr. Whoever.. My care-co-ordinator called me back on Wednesday 25th January. His call went to voicemail. My problem is I am on quetiapine and if or when I have a hpyomanic episode it doesn’t work with the anxiety and the panic attacks. I have been on Quetiapine for the most part since around 2004 I think. I am wanting a brand new anti-psychotic and also to start mood stabilisers. Before this can be achieved the bloodtests have to be examined and the Dr(psychiatrist) would need to see the patient. (psychiatrist). It’s been freaking me out to be honest.
In order to take part in society one has to be “normal” with “normal behaviour”. When one is all the time having to control extreme anxiousness, self-doubting behaviour, low self-esteem, low confidence, negative patterns of thought…its a struggle. Then speaking out of turn with people when I really should be holding my tongue – that’s mortifying to me.
Then I read a blog about being positive and ways to improve on one’s mental health. It said many good things and it also said “mood stabilisers”. Fpr around ten years I have been not taking mood stabilisers – the psychiatrist knows this – and I have been taking anti-psychotics instead. However, it was ONLY following anti-depressants that I achieved a bad enough episode in 1996. In September of that year after taking anti-depressants I had to be Sectioned.. It was for 28 days. I appealed against the section at a Tribunal held at the hospital. During the Tribunal I agreed to stay in hospital for a while so that I could be treated. The section was dropped and in the event I stayed for around 10 weeks.
So, that was that until 2008, November. Once again, following my taking anti-depressants for around 8 weeks I was sectioned. When you are sectioned you are told “you are a danger to yourself and you are a danger to others”. I had delusions as I also had had in 1996.
It is all much more complicated than all this but that is alot to explain in this post. I am “simplyfying it the moment for there are many issues that cause a person to “breakdown”.
The positive thing is that Mood Stabilisers can stabilise the mood. If the stresses of modern life affect me in a way that is unpleasant and uncomfortable then I want to take them. I might not have to take anti-psychotics for a long time but time will tell. Mood stabilisers can take up to 6 months to really take effect. Anti-psychotics act much more quickly. Within days – even less. This is why Anti-psychotics are administered to a patient usually quite swiftly when the patient is suffering psychosis.
I’m looking for a new anti-psychotic that I haven’t tried. And that the psychiatrist will find one that suits me – he can but try.
When the mood stabilisers have achieved some good – only then is it a good time to try therapies such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. One needs to be calm and rational when one is applying oneself to Therapy. Its been recommended to me to wait at least a year in the past even two. And then there is the frustration of waiting lists for psychotherapy which can be a long wait – especially on the N.H.S.
A good anti-psychotic can keep a person well if it is suiting them. I have been taking medication for most of the past ten years and for over 15 years in total.
When I have had “relapses” it has usually been after alot of stress factors have been piling up. There have been a combination of things for me. Some of these include money which can be a huge worry for me. In November I had to pay alot to get my back garden cleared because the previous tenant had been ill and had not been able to work on it. So it was that the bushes, trees and other stuff grew taller than myself at 5ft 3 and a half and had to all be cut down and cleared. The garden was finally cleared and that was a great thing for me. At last I had a garden that I could walk out into – albeit an empty garden now with a shed – and even in this cold weather we are having some green leaves are coming through which are either crocuses or daffodils I think. Oh it is so nice to see new life bursting forth. And I am going to enjoy making the garden look nice. However, the money I spent meant that both my landline telephone and my water-rates fell behind in payments. This caused some stress. In August I was away on a trip for a few days. My son had a party and a few of his friends got into a fight. The noise and the disturbance upset the neighbours as one would expect it to. When I returned I was contacted by the Housing Officer. He gave us both a warning as someone had telephoned him and made a complaint about the party. I got a warning in a letter after his visit. He went round my house and said certain things had to be decorated. The back and front needed to be tidied up. My bedroom for example is the only one which hasn’t been finished and the landing still needs to be finished. My being unable to decorate the landing as it has a high ceiling gave me a panic. The cost of buying for example a stand so that the ceiling can be reached was another worry. Then Chris got chucked off his college course in November. That was disappointing. Another stress. Chris has dyslexia. It can lead to him being disorganised. Another stress I took on. He couldn’t use his xbox live at our house because I had no broadband. Another stress. Christmas came along. More money to find.
Also back at the end of September, the beginning of October I discovered the cat had fleas. I treated the cat, the soft furnishings and the carpet. They returned four weeks later. I had to buy more cat flea spray, and spray for the furnishings. They returned again. Apparently u have to keep treating them every four weeks because they can return. This was all I needed!
And two and a half weeks ago my oven gave up on me and one hob. More disappointment!
Mum ill and changing to a new doctor – something else to worry about.
Then Chris and his girlfriend in the new year had to both have doctors appointments. They both had follow-up appointments. The doctors had to be phoned to double-check the appointment times for my son. My son has to have a hospital scan and possible/probable surgery. Stress.
So this built up to my “relapse”.
However, there is surprisingly something good to all this. I am realising that I want to have a life instead of hiding away from things alot. I am being forced to “take back control”. I have had to focus on paying my bills instead of leaving envelopes unopened. I have had to change my bank account and stop my bank letters going to my previous address. I was meant to do this a year or more ago. Fear stopped me because I find going to the bank “difficult”. Still, I sorted it so that is an achievement for me.
Then there is a kind of “Social Phobia” I may have. This is about my self-confidence and low self-esteem. I was in a relationship with someone who bullied me. It gave me a negative view of myself and my ability to make new friends. I shrank inside myself and withdrew from socialising. I didn’t think anyone would ever want to be my friend again. When I told my ex that I had friends he said ” I don’t believe you – you haven’t got friends and he laughed.
Then my brother was also a bully. He would scream at me “I’m gonna get you sectioned” you know I can! Ha ha ha. I haven’t seen him for over a year so its good to be away from that.
All these negative things happening created in me a sense of helplessness and frustration and inability to cope with challenges. . However its alot to do with my attitude towards these things and a lack of self-confidence to deal with them in a more positive way. And I had a negative attitude before they happened.
So I am going to post more stuff that reflects my achievements along the way. And my ups and downs.
On Thursday I bought a little book titled “You’re Never Alone” Its Words of Encouragement for those who have lost a loved one. Its a beautiul book! Its written and compiled by Elizabeth Rundle. In it I found this:
We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then….. as clearly as God see us.
1 Corinthians 13:12